Caring for aging narcissistic parents presents many unique challenges that can take a toll on your mental, physical, and emotional health. Here’s a therapist’s guide to help you with navigating caregiving for narcissistic parents.
Tips for navigating caregiving for narcissistic parents
1. Set Boundaries
It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries with your parents. Determine what you’re willing to do and what you’re not, and communicate these boundaries respectfully but firmly. This could include setting limits on the time you spend with them or the types of support you provide. For instance, Maria visits her father twice a week and limits phone calls to 30 minutes, firmly maintaining her schedule despite demands for more time. Another example I often discuss is the character of Tony Soprano’s mother, Livia Soprano (NSFW), who was incredibly difficult for Tony and forced him to set boundaries.
2. Practice Self-Care
Caregiving can be mentally and physically draining. Prioritize your health by engaging in regular exercise, pursuing hobbies, socializing, and taking time for yourself. This will help you recharge and be more effective in your caregiving role. Example: John, who cares for his narcissistic mother, joins a local running club and schedules runs three times a week. This not only keeps him physically fit but also provides mental clarity and a break from caregiving.
3. Seek Support
Joining support groups for caregivers or those dealing with narcissistic parents can provide a sense of community and understanding. Sharing experiences with others who face similar challenges can offer valuable insights and emotional support. Example: Emily joins an online forum for caregivers of narcissistic parents. She finds comfort in sharing experiences and receiving advice from others in similar situations, making her feel less isolated.
4. Utilize Caregiver Apps
Finding reliable and affordable support can be the most challenging part and this may take time. You will want to talk with others about things that they have done but apps like StandWith, Caregiver’s Touch, Elder 411, and Balance offer resources and tools to assist caregivers in managing their responsibilities more efficiently and effectively. Example: Ahmed uses the Elder 411 app to access resources on managing elderly care and to keep track of his father’s medical appointments and medication schedules.
5. Accept Help
Make a list of tasks that others can help with and allow them to choose how they can assist. This can lighten your load and provide a network of support. Example: Lisa creates a list of tasks like grocery shopping, house cleaning, and medication pickups, and shares it with relatives and friends. When they offer help, she assigns tasks they can manage, easing her burden.
6. Educate Yourself
Learning more about narcissism and issues related to aging can provide context and understanding, making it easier to cope with your parents’ behavior. Honestly this can be one of the most helpful things to take in. All behavior originates from something and even though it may be frustrating when you encounter it, it can help to understand the origins and increase your capacity to not take it personally. Example: Sarah reads books and articles about narcissistic personality disorder and aging. This helps her understand her mother’s behaviors and develop more empathy, improving their interactions.
7. Professional Help
Consider seeking therapy for yourself. A therapist can offer coping strategies to manage stress and emotional challenges arising from dealing with difficult parents. Example: Tom starts therapy to cope with the stress of dealing with his demanding parents. His therapist helps him develop strategies to maintain his mental health while caregiving.
*If therapy is not financially affordable, seek support from a low- or no-cost group like ACA, a 12 Step group focused on compassionately reparenting yourself after growing up in a dysfunctional family.
8. Communication Techniques
Employ effective communication techniques, like active listening and avoiding arguments. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is a peaceful way to handle conflicts. Example: When her mother starts an argument, Anita uses active listening, acknowledges her mother’s feelings without agreeing or disagreeing, and then gently steers the conversation to more neutral topics.
9. Legal and Financial Planning
If necessary, seek legal advice for managing financial or medical issues. This can ensure that you’re prepared for any legal matters that may arise. Example: Kevin consults a lawyer to understand his legal responsibilities and rights regarding his father’s finances and healthcare decisions, ensuring he is prepared for future scenarios.
10. Respite Care
Arrange for respite care to give yourself a break. This could involve other family members, friends, or professional caregivers, providing you with much-needed rest. Example: Diana arranges for her aunt to stay with her father for a weekend each month. This gives her time to relax and engage in personal activities, reducing her caregiver burnout. She also found an adult group day care service in her community, where her parent receives care from professional caregivers and their own social community.
11. Reflect on Positive Aspects
Try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your parents. Reflecting on good memories or traits they possess can sometimes ease tension and resentment. Example: Despite the challenges, Rachel often reminisces about the good times with her parents, like family vacations or her father’s sense of humor. This helps balance her perspective and maintain a sense of connection.
12. Manage Expectations
Understand that you may not be able to change your parents, but you can control how you react and interact with them. This mindset can help in maintaining a healthier relationship and personal well-being. Example: George realizes he cannot change his mother’s narcissistic traits. Instead, he focuses on how he responds to her, choosing to react calmly and disengage from conflicts, which preserves his mental well-being.
13. Accept and Forgive
Your aging narcissistic parent will likely not change and their behavior may become even more injurious. Do your best to not take it personally. It was never about you, though it does feel that way. Radical acceptance and honoring the grief that comes with the loss of the parent you never had is paramount to your mental and emotional health. Forgiveness will benefit YOU. Lean into your spiritual beliefs and seek support in that community. If you do not have a community like that, seek compassionate support from trusted friends and family as you navigate the emotional impact of this responsibility on top of the impact of being raised by a narcissistic parent.
By applying these strategies, caregivers can create a more balanced and healthy approach to dealing with older narcissistic parents, ensuring their own well-being while providing care. If you would like more tips for navigating caregiving for narcissistic parents, let us know or reach out for counseling if we can be a resource to you.
Authors: William Schroeder, LPC & Patty Monical, LMFT, LPC-S, RPT-S
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