Imagine this: you decide to try therapy for the first time. Beforehand, you browse various practice websites and read through a few therapist biographies. You call to schedule an appointment and complete all the necessary paperwork.
The day finally comes. You sit in the waiting room, wondering what to expect. Your eyes bounce between the artwork on the walls, the magazines on the table in front of you, and your phone, which hasn’t changed since the last time you checked it 10 seconds ago. The therapist you read about walks into the room, calls your name, and you follow them to a cozy room with a couch where you sit. The therapist takes the lead, and you answer their questions and ask your own.
But at the end of the session, something just isn’t sitting right with you. Maybe the therapist mentioned they love to assign worksheets between sessions, which you know isn’t your thing. Or they talked a lot about acting out emotions and specific scenarios –something your best friend would like, but not something you see yourself trying. Perhaps you thought, “It feels like they aren’t reacting at all to what I’m saying,” or the opposite: “This therapist seems to be very emotionally expressive, reacting more intensely to what I’m sharing than I am.”
Therapy and therapists are not one size fits all. None of the therapists I described are necessarily “bad.” They aren’t a good fit for you, and this can be highly disappointing, especially for someone trying therapy for the first time and putting themselves in a vulnerable position. These feelings can arise not only after an initial session but also after several sessions when you start to doubt whether this therapist is the right match. It can be tempting to write off the process altogether and declare that therapy isn’t for you.
It’s important to remember that it’s normal to have some doubts during various stages of the therapeutic process. Some doubts can be due to nerves and hesitancy about being vulnerable. Others, however, can be indicators of the lack of chemistry between you and the therapist. The therapeutic relationship is one of the top indicators of a successful outcome in therapy, which is why it’s especially important to make sure you find someone you connect with.
If this experience resonates with you, I encourage you to reflect on what specifically felt “off” about your therapy experience:
- Did you feel comfortable and understood by the therapist?
- What do you wish went differently?
- What comment or action left you rethinking whether or not you wanted to have another session?
- Were they too quiet or talking too much?
- Did you feel judged by the therapist?
- Did anything strike you as unprofessional?
- Were you left feeling like you were talking to a robot rather than a person?
Once you’ve answered these questions, congratulations! You’ve created a list that will bring you one step closer to finding the right therapist for you. Now, think about what the ideal therapist would be like by imagining the opposite of the things that didn’t feel right. This will give you a great starting point in your search for someone who can better support you in reaching your goals. It may take time and effort to find the right therapist, but I encourage you to invest that energy in yourself. In the end, it will be worth it.
If you are looking for a therapist in our practice, communicate some of this information to our client care team so they can give you the best chance of finding someone who is a great match for you.
When Therapy Isn’t a Good Fit: What to Do Next
By Andrea Chavez, LMFT Associate
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