As human beings, we are often more complex than we realize. Our minds and hearts are intricately woven together, forming the tapestry of our experiences, beliefs, and emotions. In relationships, these threads can sometimes become tangled, leading us to see our partners not as they truly are but through a paranoid lens of our own unresolved issues. Sometimes, as I described in this blog about displacement (link), we wind up displacing our emotions related to our past traumas onto our current partners, even when they are innocent, blaming our innocent partners for what past partners (or our parents) have actually done. Because our current partner may be the first safe-ish space we have to feel the intolerable feelings we might not have been allowed to have in the past, those emotions kind of bleed out sideways onto someone who might not understand why we’re getting falsely accused of something we know we didn’t do.
Related but different is the psychological defense mechanism “projection.” The gist of projection is that people use the immature defense mechanism of projection to shift the blame, as a way to draw attention away from their own flaws. Projection allows us to avoid uncomfortable truths about ourselves by attributing them to others. Projection involves disowning an unacceptable part of oneself and attributing it to someone else instead. In essence, we might wind up blaming our partners for what we ourselves are actually feeling or doing. Someone who projects will pull out all the stops to shirk accountability in order to stay in denial about their own imperfections or deny their unowned feelings.
If, out of the blue, someone says they know you are SO angry- or you are SO sad, or you are behaving SO badly- and yet you know you don’t feel that way- and you’re not guilty of what they’re accusing you of doing, someone may be projecting onto you. This can easily flummox the one getting projected onto. The one who is falsely accused of feeling something they’re not feeling or doing something they’re not doing will likely try to correct the other person, but if someone else is projecting, they most won’t listen or be influenced by any evidence you give them to the contrary.
For example, your partner accuses you of having an affair, when you know for a fact you are not only not having an affair; you’re not even flirting or crushing on anyone. You find out later it was your partner who’s actually having the affair. Because they might be hiding, even from themselves, this shadowy betraying behavior, and because their own behavior might not jive with their self image of the perfect, most ethical, most honorable partner, it must be YOU who is having the affair.
Projection is a subtle, often unconscious process that can wreak havoc on our relationships, creating distance, misunderstanding, and displaced pain. But if we can be aware of when we (or our partners) might be projecting, we can unravel some of the mysteries of strange behaviors or bizarre accusations that don’t really make sense.
The Subtle Art of Projection
At its core, projection occurs when we unconsciously transfer our feelings, beliefs, traits, or behaviors onto someone else. It’s as if we’re holding up a mirror, but instead of seeing our own reflection, we see only the other person—and we attribute to them the very things we struggle to accept within ourselves. Just like a movie projector projects onto a screen, a person who is projecting is putting all their flaws or unowned emotions onto whoever is in front of them, with their partners most likely getting the most extreme versions of projection.
For example, if you feel insecure about your own worthiness, you might project that insecurity onto your partner by accusing them of not valuing you enough (when it’s actually YOU who doesn’t value you enough.)
If you have unacknowledged anger, you might perceive your partner as being unnecessarily hostile, even when they’re not. In these moments, what we’re really seeing is our own unresolved emotions, reflected back to us through the actions and words of our partner.
Part of what makes projection so confusing and maddening it that it’s often invisible to the one projecting. We genuinely believe that what we’re sensing, seeing and experiencing is “real” -and that our partner is to blame for the unowned discomfort we might be feeling because of shadowy aspects of ourselves that don’t fit with the person we think we should be. But really, at its essence, projection is a kind of paranoia, often seen in the extreme in people having a paranoid psychotic episode.
In polyvagal theory, we say “State creates story.” So if, for example, you’re feeling very frightened of your partner, you might make up a paranoid story in order to make sense of the real fear you feel in your body. If you have avoidant or disorganized attachment and your partner is seeking a secure intimate connection, this might make you frightened of developing a genuine intimate connection, so you might be inclined to start having suspicious, paranoid thoughts about your partner- as a way of distancing or sabotaging the connection. The “state,” or the fearful feeling, might be accurate, but the story you’re telling yourself may not be. It may even be quite the opposite. You may be guilty of the very thing you’re accusing your partner of doing.
The good news is that we can start to gain some insight into our own projections when we recognize a few tell tale signs that you could be projecting onto your partner.
1. You think it’s always your partner’s fault & you never admit when you’re wrong.
If you find yourself frequently blaming your partner for how you’re feeling or for things going wrong in your relationship, yet you’re not taking inventory of what might lie in the shadows on your side of the two-way street, this might be a sign that you’re projecting. You can try asking yourself, “Am I really upset with my partner, or is there something deeper going on within a part of me?”
If you have a hard time acknowledging your own contributions to the challenges in your relationship and instead focus solely on your partner’s faults, projection might be at work. This can prevent you from taking responsibility for your own emotions and actions and cause you to be guilty of victim-blaming. You might even wind up bullying someone who is already weakened and vulnerable.
This isn’t meant to gaslight anyone or accept blame that doesn’t belong to you. Not all conflicts are equally the responsibility of two people- and someone who wants to shirk accountability might try to do so by pointing back towards you when they’ve messed up, demanding that you clean up your side of the street.
But if you’re rarely holding yourself accountable- and often pointing the finger at someone else, you might compassionately and gently entertain the idea that maybe you’re actually guilty of what you’re blaming the other for. “Is it possible that I’m the one doing what I’m accusing my partner of doing?” If you discover that you are, see if you can expand your self concept to include not only the beautiful, noble, “good” parts of yourself, but also the parts you might feel more ashamed of. Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help. By giving tools for compassionately understanding how even our projecting or displacing parts might be trying to protect us from overwhelming feelings, like shame, we can begin to do the work to see ourselves- and our partners- more clearly and honestly.
2. You can’t come up with specific evidence to back up your accusation.
If you find yourself feeling suspicious and then hurl accusations at your partner without having any legitimate evidence to back up what you’re accusing someone of doing, there’s a good chance you need to point that finger of blame back at yourself, because you’re projecting. It’s not fair to say, “Well, I just have a feeling that you’re doing x, y, and z,” when you have no evidence that your hunch might have some substance.
We all might have suspicious or paranoid thoughts about our loved ones from time to time. It’s part of how we learn healthy discernment. But we can usually talk ourselves out of believing those paranoid thoughts, once we’ve actually thought it through or gathered evidence to back up someone’s innocence.
People who are projecting, however, are in such a hurry to not feel shame about something they are actually doing themselves that they won’t slow down to figure out whether what they’re accusing someone of feeling or doing is actually about themselves.
It’s healthy to protest boundary violations and hold someone accountable for something they’ve actually done. But if you’re going to accuse someone of doing something hurtful, just make sure you have specific examples to back up your accusation.
It’s not fair to accuse someone of exploiting you or dominating you, for example, if you can’t give that person a few examples of exploitative or dominating behavior that the person you’re accusing is actually guilty of. If you find yourself forming an accusation, see if you can make a good case for why this person is guilty. If you can’t do so, you might need to think twice before hurling false accusations at someone who is probably not going to validate your accusation and is likely to get defensive.
3. You can’t find resolution to recurring conflicts, in spite of attempts at repair.
Are you and your partner stuck in a loop of the same arguments, with little resolution? Projection often leads to repetitive conflicts because the one projecting cannot accept accountability for the thing they’re accusing someone else of doing. The real underlying issues aren’t truly being addressed, so most repair attempts end in a hopeless stalemate.
If one of you really is doing something hurtful and upsetting, you should be able to get to the bottom of the problem, communicate what’s okay and not okay, negotiate boundaries, make requests, resolve the conflict, and prevent the same thing from happening in the future.
But if one of you is projecting their own shadow onto the other, it’s impossible to have a healthy rupture and repair process. Instead, if projection is at play, the couple will likely just give up, compartmentalize the conflict, feel confused and disconnected, and then do the same dang cycle all over again the next time the projecting partner needs to find a way to shirk accountability.
4. You’re intensely reactive, out of proportion to the event.
Strong, disproportionate reactions to your partner’s behavior can be a red flag that you’re projecting unresolved feelings- about yourself- onto them. The intensity of your reaction is often a clue that there’s something deeper at play. If your partner is generally trustworthy and seems frequently confused and bewildered, projection might be at play. And if you go from zero to sixty over something very small, you might have to look deeper inside.
In IFS lingo, there might be a protector part, preventing you from feeling your own pain- because it’s easier to blame someone else than admit that what you’re doing, thinking, or feeling might be hard to look at. Those protector parts that might resort to projection might be trying to keep you from being overwhelmed by parts that cannot handle feeling legitimate shame about your own less than noble behavior, perhaps because someone in childhood projected their own shame (from abusing you, for example) onto you. “Unburdening the exiles,” a process of healing and releasing the burdens of our hurt inner children using the IFS practice, can help.
5. You feel frequently misunderstood by your partner.
If you frequently feel that your partner doesn’t “get” you, even when they’re trying to understand, it could be because you’re projecting your own insecurities or fears onto them. This can create a sense of distance and alienation, making it harder to connect authentically, which can make you feel quite lonely.
Why Does Someone Project?
The most common reason someone projects is that they have an extraordinarily difficult time admitting that they’re wrong. They might have created an entire false identity on being the hero/ heroine or being impressive or being beyond reproach. But all humans are flawed and imperfect. All humans make mistakes. And all humans need to admit when they screw up and be able to make repairs and amends.
People who project often grew up in environments where it wasn’t safe to make mistakes or be imperfect. If you believe you can’t admit wrongdoing without dinging your pride, if your identity is forged on achievement and being impressive and extraordinary, it can feel intolerable to imagine being perceived as unimpressive or just plain ordinary- even though screwing up and making mistakes is a normal part of being an ordinary human. Nobody likes facing our flaws, so it’s normal to feel somewhat defensive if we do something hurtful or wrong. But defending yourself with a projection defense shifts blame all the way off yourself and onto someone else in order to stay propped up.
What’s healthy, noble, and honorable, however, is to take ownership when you’ve done something wrong- and try to resist the temptation to project onto someone else.
Projection Is Common With Severe Attachment Wounding
If you’ve been on the other side of a lot of confusing projections, it’s possible you might be partnered with someone with severe attachment wounding. It can be helpful to understand the trauma symptoms common with severe attachment wounding- not only to know how to protect yourself, but to make sense of the sometimes bizarre and befuddling experiences you might endure as the partner of someone wounded in this way.
Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger and I will be teaching an online Zoom workshop Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationship, to help support those partnered with people with severe attachment wounding and a painful trauma history. We’ll be discussing projection, displacement, and other common defense strategies employed by folks with this kind of wounding- as well as discussing how to take care of yourself without burning out.
Learn more and register for Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationship here.
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