*Photo credit Monique Feil
In the last blog 5 Signs You May Be Displacing Past Trauma Onto Your Partner, we talked about the defense mechanism of “displacement”- and how to tell if you or a partner might be employing this defense. Prior to that, we talked about projection- here and here. Today, we’ll talk about how to heal and stop the displacement cycle, which can cause us to act out because of an emotional flashback. In Complex PTSD, Pete Walker describes emotional flashbacks as flares of emotions that happen in present time but are rooted in something in the past.
Emotional flashbacks can be activated by the most trivial things- like your abusive mother wore red and battered you when you made a mistake. And now your partner is wearing red- and you’re having the same feeling you had when your abuser in red beat you silly. So you displace that trauma onto your current partner wearing red, only your partner just asked you to take out the trash, because you forgot and now she’s irritated.
It can be very confusing- for both you and your partner- when you blame your partner for something that seems out of proportion to what just happened in present time. Because as far as your partner knows, she’s just wearing a pretty dress and holding you to account for not following through on what you said you’d do, which is take out the trash. She likely had no idea you’ve now made her Mommy Dearest.
Healing from displacement requires courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to face the pain you may have been avoiding. It’s a journey that asks you to look inward, to explore the depths of your psyche, and to bring compassion to the parts of yourself that have been most hurt. The first step in healing displacement is cultivating self-awareness. If you don’t even know you’re displacing your past trauma onto your “safe object,” you’ll stay paranoid and wind up acting out or falsely accusing your partner of things they’re not guilty of actually doing.
1. Know that you’re displacing- so you can stop blaming your partner and take ownership for your emotional flashback.
To stop displacing, you need to become aware of when you’re reacting from a place of past trauma rather than responding to what’s actually happening in the present moment. This requires mindfulness—being fully present with your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. It also requires restraint- so you don’t act out in hurtful ways towards a relatively innocent partner, behaving on autopilot from a misguided and paranoid inner compass of safety vs. danger.
2. Work on becoming more emotionally self aware, so you can be more honest with yourself about what emotions you’re feeling- and get to know the parts that might be carrying those emotions.
You can start undoing a tendency to displace past trauma onto your partner by paying attention to your emotional reactions. When you feel a strong emotion, pause and ask yourself, “Is this about what’s happening right now, or is this about something from my past?” Notice if your emotions seem disproportionate to the situation at hand. This can be a clue that you’re displacing unresolved trauma.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be helpful in these moments, so you can become intimate with what various parts of you might be saying about your partner. Going inside to become more aware of what’s happening in your inner world can help change your behavior in your outer world and help you protect your partner better. Deep breathing and body scans can also help you stay grounded and embodied- in the present moment- making it easier to distinguish between past and present. Journaling can also be a powerful tool for self-reflection, helping you to identify patterns of displacement and to explore the underlying emotions.
3. PAUSE if you get triggered. Go inside and get curious about what’s happening- BEFORE you lash out at someone else.
Healing displacement also requires you to engage in compassionate self-inquiry. This means being willing to look at the parts of yourself that are in pain, the parts that are still holding on to unresolved past trauma, and to do so with kindness and understanding. In IFS lingo, there might be a protector part that is responsible for the displacement and a wounded inner child, or “exile,” that this protector is protecting. In order to stop the displacement, the exile would need to be “unburdened” and healed.
Compassionate self-inquiry helps you notice when you’re displacing emotions that should be aimed at someone else onto your partner. Try asking yourself, “What is this really about? What old wounds are being triggered here? What part is activated by something my partner just did or said?”
Allow yourself to get to know whatever parts arise in your inner world, exploring the memories, emotions, and beliefs that arise, if that’s something safe enough to do by yourself. If need be, have your therapist help facilitate this kind of self-inquiry, so you have support should your emotions begin to overwhelm you from unhealed past trauma. You may uncover past experiences of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, physical violence, coercive control, subjugation, shaming, or other traumas that are still influencing your present behavior.
It’s important to approach this process with a heaping helping of self-compassion. Trauma can create deep wounds, and it’s natural to want to protect yourself from re-experiencing that pain. But true healing comes from facing these wounds, acknowledging them, and offering yourself the love and care that you needed in the past- in the here and now.
4. Initiate repair with your partner- and hold yourself to account. Ask for forgiveness for all the false accusations and try to explain why you behaved the way you did.
Displacement often leads to misunderstandings, confusion, trauma, and conflict in relationships- because the emotions you’re expressing are not actually about your partner—they’re about your past. To heal from displacement, it’s essential to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about what you’re experiencing- and to avoid blaming your partner for what someone else has done to you.
Start by sharing your insights with your partner. Let them know that you’re beginning to recognize when you’re displacing past trauma onto them and that you’re committed to healing this pattern. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and to take responsibility for your emotions. For example, “I realize that my fear of abandonment may be coming from my past, and it’s making me paranoid and causing me to accuse you of things you’re not actually doing. But I’m actively working on healing that.”
What’s more ethical and precise is to speak on behalf of parts that may get activated by something your partner is saying or doing, rather than displacement. For example, “When you try to hold me accountable for a mistake I’ve made, and when you don’t let me get away with denying my mistake or letting myself off the hook, I have a part that feels pinned to the wall, trapped, and accused of being a bad person- because my mother used to pin me to the wall, trap me, accuse me of being a bad person, and then beat me when I made even the smallest mistake when I was a kid. I know you’re not going to beat me like my mother did, but this part doesn’t necessarily know that, so it’s afraid of the way you try to hold me to account when I make mistakes.”
Now you’re owning your displacement, rather than dumping the toxic waste dump of all your rage and fear of your mother and unfairly plopping it onto your innocent partner- because that heightened emotion has to go somewhere and it’s still too scary to put it on your actual mother.
5. Listen to your partner’s point of view and hold space for what your partner might be feeling about all the ways you might have blamed your partner when your partner felt reasonably innocent.
It’s important to generously listen to your partner’s perspective. He or she may have insights into how your past trauma is affecting your relationship. Your partner may even have their own experiences of displacement to share. By fostering open, compassionate communication, you can support each other in the healing process and deepen your connection.
6. Consider therapy.
Healing from trauma and displacement is not something you have to do alone. One-on-one therapy or couple’s therapy can provide a safe space for you to explore your past trauma, to process the emotions that arise, and to work through the patterns of displacement that are affecting your relationship. I’m a particularly big fan of the couple’s therapy model Relational Life Therapy (RLT), founded by Terry Real, as a method of resolving conflicts caused by projection and displacement, in addition to other confusing relational dynamics caused by trauma.
If someone has a severe trauma history and dissociates a lot, one-on-one somatic approaches like Somatic Experiencing, Steve Terrell and Kathy Kain’s Nurturing Resilience work, or Aline LaPierre’s NeuroAffective Touch may be necessary as at least an adjunct treatment to any kind of talk therapy- since immature defense mechanisms like displacement and projection are so unconscious and so automatic, that it can be hard to interrupt them without helping someone disembodied get back into their body.
7. Engage in trauma-supportive practices.
In addition to therapy, there are many healing practices that can support your journey of recovery from trauma and displacement. These practices can help you reconnect with your body, process stored emotions, and cultivate a sense of safety and grounding. Somatic practices, such as yoga, bodywork, and movement therapy, can help you release trauma that’s stored in the body and reconnect with your physical self. Energy healing practices, such as Reiki or acupuncture, can support the flow of energy in your body, helping to balance and restore your nervous system. Creative expression, such as art, music, or dance, can provide an outlet for processing emotions and trauma in a nonverbal way. Non-bypassing spiritual practices, such as IFS meditation, prayer, or connecting with nature, can help you cultivate a sense of inner peace and resilience. The key is to find the practices that resonate with you and to engage in them regularly as part of your ongoing healing journey.
Displacement, though challenging to heal, offers us a mirror that reflects back to us the parts of ourselves that are still in pain, the wounds that are still unresolved and asking for our attention. By recognizing when we’re displacing past trauma onto our partners, we take the first step toward healing not only our relationships but also ourselves. As we engage in the work of healing displacement, we begin to see our partners more clearly and can aim our strong emotions where they belong- on the people who hurt us in the first place, not onto our partners, who love and support us and don’t deserve to be falsely accused because of paranoid parts that are confused about what happened in the past and what’s happening now.
Once we’re no longer stuck in the past, we can assess our partners more clearly and discern whether they’re trustworthy- or not. Maybe your partner really is a carbon copy of your abusive mother- and you’re recreated your past. But maybe not- and you’re actually sabotaging a good thing by accusing your partner of being like your mother, when your mother was a monster and your partner is doing their best to have your back and be your ally.
Once you’ve healed the unresolved trauma from the past, your vision will clear and you’ll be more capable of discerning- in present time- whether you can trust someone- or not.
Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger and I will be talking about this and other topics in a weekend Zoom workshop Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship. We welcome you to join us!
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