Strategies for Building Emotional Regulation in Children

By Kris Downing, LCSW, SEP

Child therapists are often faced with questions about strategies for building emotional regulation in children. “Why won’t my child use their skills when they’re upset?” This is a common question and source of frustration for parents when they know their child has learned a new strategy or emotional regulation skill, but they won’t use it when they need it. When the child is in the middle of a meltdown and won’t even try to use their skill, it can lead parents to believe that the child is being resistant, defiant, or spoiled and manipulative and trying to get their way.

Parenting a dysregulated child?

It helps to start with the understanding that kids want to do well, but they do not yet have the skills and abilities to manage disappointment, unexpected changes, transitions away from fun activities, anxiety over something new, or even calming themselves when exciting activities become overwhelming.

How to help a child regulate their emotions. Here are a few tips when you are trying to help your child with a new emotional regulation skill. Just because they may be familiar with the skill and have practiced it in class or the counseling office doesn’t mean they have truly LEARNED IT in their brain and body, especially in the context of home and family dynamics.

Strategies for Building Emotional Regulation in Children

1. It is important for you, the caregiver, to be familiar with the skill and able to model it consistently in your communication with your child. Yes, we all have bad days, and when you slip into frustration mode, that’s a good opportunity for repair (see #12 below).
2. Practice the new skill with your child A LOT when your child is feeling happy, calm, and regulated—in their thinking and learning brain—when they are fed, rested, and being their best selves.
3. Have the child create a NAME for the skill.
4. Talk about how you and the child can tell in your bodies when you are starting to have a big hard feeling—like noticing how your shoulders get tight, or your head starts to hurt, or your face gets hot, or your heart is beating fast, or it’s hard to take a breath. Name the feeling that goes with these body sensations. This is how you know when the skill can help you feel better. Then, notice how the new skill changes some of those body sensations. Maybe you feel your shoulders drop, your muscles feel lighter, your breath gets easier, or your stomach softens.
5. Find fun ways to practice the skill together. For instance, say your child is learning to use their breath to regulate (nice full breath in, fill up the tummy, and a long, slow breath out—like blowing on hot chocolate or a pinwheel, or carefully blowing a BIG bubble). Practice for 3–5 breaths. You can have them teach family members how to do the Belly Breath. You might get some bubbles to practice together. The child can teach their favorite stuffed animals or dolls or action figures how to use the skill. Maybe you like to shoot basketball hoops together, and you can both practice your breaths before each free throw shot.
6. Respond to this practice with A LOT of praise and celebration: 
   1. “Wow, you really know how to do the Belly Breath, and you’re helping us learn it too!” 
   2. “You’re helping Fuzzy Bear to feel better when he gets scared or mad. You want to help him feel better because you love him!” 
   3. “It takes a lot of strength to do this Belly Breathing. It’s like your superpower!”
7. Take pictures of your child doing the skill, or even better, you and your child doing the skill together. Post these pics in their room and places where dysregulation occurs most often.
8. Come up with ritual transition times to use the skill together when your child is feeling good, perhaps just before sleep, leaving for school, heading to a sport or music class, or getting ready to do something exciting.
9. Keep it light and fun. Practice should not be a negative power struggle. You don’t want your child to associate doing the skill with feeling pressured or feeling like they’ve disappointed or frustrated you. Catch them using the skill in easier times and celebrate them when they do!
10. What if the child doesn’t want to practice or use it when they need it most? First, in a calm voice, validate their feelings and then YOU model doing it out loud. “It is really hard for you to do the belly breath right now because you have so much energy and you’re frustrated about having to clean your room. So I’m going to slow down and take some belly breaths to feel better … a nice big breath in, all the way to my tummy, and then a long, slow breath out. I can feel my heart slowing down, and I’m feeling better.” When you model regulating out loud for your child, it will help to settle them (through mirror neurons in the brain). This is called co regulation, letting the child “borrow” your calm nervous system. The two MOST important ingredients in helping our kids learn emotional regulation skills are compassion and modeling from the adults in their world.
11. Have the child create a CODE WORD or a MOVEMENT that anyone can use when they want to help someone in the family to feel better. When you see the child—or they see you—becoming frustrated or overwhelmed, use the CODE WORD (butterfly? peanut butter?) or a MOVEMENT (the wave? shoulder roll?) to let them know, “Hey, I want to help you feel better. Can we do some belly breaths together?” Using a code word or movement also needs to be practiced in a light-hearted way, so it is not associated with shame. Let them start using it with you and other mature family members who are open to the feedback and will respond positively.
12. Create an opportunity to repair the hurt when hard feelings are too big for you or your child to use the skill. When you’re both feeling good, talk about what might have made it easier for them with a big dose of compassion. Come up with a nurturing, connecting way to repair the hurt. It might be the perfect time to snuggle up with their favorite book or movie. Repair will be the difference between your child internalizing their hurt and eroding their self-esteem versus building their resilience and empathy with an understanding that we can bounce back from difficult experiences.

In summary, kids will not be able to access a new skill when they are highly activated or dysregulated, and that can lead to everyone feeling frustrated, hurt, and overwhelmed. It takes a lot of practice for us humans to learn a new skill. Connect it with fun, celebrate and pile on the praise, stay connected and loving with your kid, allow time for repair, and embrace the concept of co-regulation. Here is a great cheat sheet to help guide you as the chief co-regulator for your child’s emotional well-being.

Additional resources: Here is another guide for teaching emotional regulation skills pdf and back to school resources for ADHD kids. Also, learn more about Kris Downing. If you would like more emotional regulation techniques or another resource, let us know.

Photo by CDC on Unsplash