As Jeff Rediger and I finish up the final edits of our book RELATIONSICK, about the adverse health implications of unbalanced, non-reciprocal, or narcissistic relationships, I’ve found myself pondering why so few people talk about the very strong scientific link between relational health and physical health. Are we in some kind of collective denial that a bad marriage could cause cancer or that a narcissistic parent could lead to chronic pain?
The physiological mechanism for how this happens is straightforward. Giving too much and receiving too little, getting dismissed and diminished instead of getting empathy when you’re upset, being overpowered by someone who bullies you, having your distress ignored or even getting blamed for whatever you’re upset about- all of this causes stress responses in your nervous system, the kind that stick around rather than fleetingly helping you get to safety.
Chronic repetitive stress responses- fight, flight, freeze, but especially fawn- dysregulate the nervous system, impair the immune system, disable the body’s natural self-healing mechanisms, and lead to chronic inflammation, which causes or exacerbates almost every major illness and makes getting better difficult. Our bodies are simply not made to survive the daily wear and tear of all those stress responses over the long term.
On the other hand, healthy, balanced, reciprocal relationships based on shared power, equity in the give and take, and mutual empathy are medicine for the body. Having strong social support and knowing you’re not bearing the weight of life alone has been proven to be more beneficial for the body than losing weight or quitting smoking.
Yet, so many people were raised in narcissistic family systems that don’t teach how to participate in healthy relationships. Relational skills are not necessarily intuitive if you haven’t had good relationships modeled for you in your family of origin. Sometimes we have to study such things!
For ongoing, live, IFS-informed relational recovery support, join us for LOVE SCHOOL. We meet twice per month to talk about and practice everything from how to discern the red flats of narcissism to understanding your attachment style to unburdening the exiles of iFS to Terry Real’s tips for how to have safer, more enjoyable intimacy, to John and Julie Gottman’s recommendations for how to fight right to Sue Johnson’s understanding of how we’re not unlike infants when it comes to how we protest when we’re not getting our relational needs met.
Learn more and join LOVE SCHOOL here.
I also wanted to make you all aware of the on-demand relationship programs we’ve now made available to anyone interested in the deep dive of relational recovery. Let me explain them a bit.
Lissa Rankin’s On-Demand Relationship Programs
HEAL YOUR WOUNDED BOUNDARIES
Get support in setting, negotiating, and respecting boundaries using Internal Family Systems, so you can enjoy deeper intimacy, trust, empathy & respect in all your relationships. A trauma-informed internal family systems approach to negotiating with others what’s okay & not okay. Includes a copy of Lissa’s unpublished manuscript The Boundaries Handbook.
Learn more & register for Heal Your Wounded Boundaries
DATING FROM SELF: Finding Connection Without Compromise
Have you ever noticed that you’re a different person when you’re around different people? Even those who aren’t very chameleon-like, who have a strong sense of self, have different parts come forward when we’re around different kinds of people. If you’re single and you’ve never approached dating with the explicit intention of not only getting to know new people but getting to know the “you” who shows up around different kinds of people, intentional dating, with an IFS focused lens, can be a wonderful, illuminating, revelatory experience. This program helps you learn how to get to know all your “parts” that show up in the midst of new people, and how to discern if those new people are safe to relate with.
Learn more and register for Dating From Self here.
HEALING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP: Intimacy as a Path of Transformation
Some people go into a cave to prioritize enlightenment, but if you really want to push yourself to grow, develop, heal, and awaken, For anyone interested in deepening their relationships and taking advantage of the inevitable triggers that arise in relationship for the purposes of healing, transformation, and personal or spiritual growth.
Whether it’s a romantic relationship, family members, a best friend, or any other emotionally intimate connection, relationships as a path of transformation can help us heal the past, grow our capacity to love, and improve our health.
Learn more & register for Healing Through Relationship here.
PREPARING THE HEART TO LOVE AGAIN: An IFS-Informed Workshop About Healing The Broken Heart So You Can Safely Risk Loving More Openly
A workshop, especially for those who have had their hearts broken but want to get ready to try to either date again or rekindle love in a relationship that has stagnated or reconnect with family or friends that have been strained. You might be wanting to prepare yourself to love a romantic partner, but you might also want to prepare your heart to love a parent who hurt you or a child you hurt or a best friend who can be your “person.”
Learn more & register for Preparing The Heart To Love Again
BECOMING UNF*CKWITHABLE: Finding Your Sacred “No”, So Your Yes Is A “Hell Yeah”.
A transformational workshop with Lissa Rankin, Rachel Abrams, Jeff Rediger, Anasuya Godis.
Unf*ckwithable – the art of becoming emotionally stronger and using clear boundaries to develop your relationships to new depths. Take back your power by taking responsibility for where you are.
Learn more & register for Becoming Unf*ckwithable here.
MOTHERING AS MEDICINE: A Trauma-Informed Parenting Course To Promote Your Children’s Optimal Physical & Mental Health
As caring parents who want to set our children up for success in health and life, is there anything we can do to make this time easier for our kids, young and old? This course is designed for any “mother-identifying” people to empower you with the knowledge and skills to address the root causes of your young or adult child’s struggles and develop more safety, intimacy, healing, and secure connection with your young or adult kids.
Learn more & register for Mothering As Medicine
HEALING ATTACHMENT WOUNDS IN RELATIONSHIP: A Supportive, Educational Workshop For Those Trying To Love Someone With Attachment Trauma
Healing from attachment wounds involves understanding your past, embracing your present, and creating a future built on self-love and healthy connections. Think of it as caring for the caregiver- as a way to rest your own nervous system, educate yourself about how to fill your own tank so you can keep supporting someone else, walk the razor’s edge between attending to your own parts’ needs and also caring for your loved ones’ needs.
Learn more & register for Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship
All of these on-demand programs are designed to support relational healing not just as a psychological or spiritual pursuit, but as a health intervention—because the science is clear. When our relationships become more balanced, more mutual, and more secure, our nervous systems settle, inflammation decreases, and the body can return to its natural state of repair.
Check Out Other On-Demand Workshops
If you’ve been longing to do the deep work of relational recovery—but at your own pace, in your own time—these programs are here to support you. Whether you’re seeking to write your memoir, optimize your health outcome, or improve your relational health, bingeing on Lissa’s on demand workshops can help you get the nuggets of wisdom you need, to be taken in at your own convenience.
Learn more about all on-demand workshops here.
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