In my last blog, How Can You Tell If You Or Your Partner Are Projecting?, we discussed the telltale signs of the defense mechanism of “projection,” when someone projects their own feelings onto others or shifts blame from themselves onto someone else. We also discussed why people tend to project.
Projection tends to be very destructive in relationships, because it hurts when we (or our loved ones) get accused of things we’re not doing. It’s also distressing when we can’t hold ourselves accountable or admit when we’re wrong. It’s even more painful when we blame others, when we are the ones at fault.
But what can you do about it if projection is one of your “go to” defenses?
Healing from projection means doing our own shadow work and taking ownership for the less attractive or desirable aspects of ourselves. Healing from projection requires a willingness to look inward, to face the parts of ourselves that we might prefer to avoid. Avoiding doing this shadow work creates chaos and pain in our relationship, whereas being willing to turn inwards and develop a compassionate understanding of our own “protector parts” (to use IFS language) can facilitate deep transformation, healing, and behavioral change.
1. It starts with knowing you’re projecting.
Most projection happens in the dark, far beneath the level of our awareness. Without awareness, projection remains an unconscious process, driving our behavior and emotions without insight into why we’re behaving or feeling the way we do. To bring awareness to your projections, start by regularly checking in with yourself. What emotions are you feeling? What thoughts are running through your mind? When you have a strong reaction to something your partner says or does, pause and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling here? What is this reaction truly about?” You can try questioning your thoughts- getting curious about whether you’re indulging paranoid parts or whether you actually have evidence that your partner is guilty of whatever it is you’re thinking they might be doing.
Processing your parts through journaling or talking to another IFS-informed friend can be an invaluable when healing from a tendency to project your own shadow onto someone else. You can write down your thoughts and emotions, especially after conflicts or when you’re feeling particularly triggered- or just talk out loud to someone you trust enough to hold space for parts of you that you might have a tendency to hide. Over time, patterns may emerge that reveal where you tend to project.
2. Get curious about your “parts.”
Projection often arises from unresolved pain, fear, insecurity, or feelings of worthlessness or unlovability within us. When we project, we’re trying to avoid facing these uncomfortable emotions. But true healing comes from bringing these feelings into the light of compassionate self-inquiry. Internal Family Systems can help. When we go inside with curiosity, compassion, courage, confidence, clarity, and other qualities of our divine, loving, nurturing “Self,” we can start to wonder, rather than automatically projecting. “Is there a chance that I have a part that’s blaming my partner for guy-bashing when I’m actually misogynistic?” or “I wonder if I’m accusing my partner of thinking about leaving the relationship because I’m actually unsure I want to stay.”
If you’re gentle enough with yourself, you might be able to bust yourself- in a good way- by interrupting the usually automatic thought-to-behavior superhighway. Instead of making accusations that are likely to confuse your partner and generate defensiveness, try seeing if you can use that moment as a trailhead.
I’m not suggesting you do what cult leaders teach their followers to do- which is to automatically point the finger of blame back at yourself whenever the cult leader does something awful, which legitimately triggers you and for which the cult leader should be held accountable. If it’s clear that one person is the victim and the other is the perpetrator, by all means, hold the perpetrator to account and stand up for yourself.
But if you can’t actually find evidence to back up the thought you’re having about your partner, you might be projecting.
When you notice yourself projecting, gently ask yourself:
- What am I afraid to see or acknowledge within myself?
- What parts are getting activated when my partner behaves a certain way?
- Can I get to know the parts that don’t like being held accountable or have a tendency to shift blame to someone else?
- What old wounds are being triggered?
- What unmet needs are crying out for attention?
- What shadow work might I be avoiding?
- What imperfections am I too uncomfortable to admit having?
- What am I guilty of doing to hurt my partner, but I’m too ashamed to admit my flaw?
- What feelings am I having that I might be falsely attributing to my loved one?
- Is the behavior I dislike in this person something I find intolerable in myself?
- In what ways do I act like this person?
- What types of stories am I telling myself about this person or situation?
- Who or what does this person or situation remind me of?
These questions aren’t about judging or criticizing yourself; they’re about inviting curiosity and compassion into your inner world.
As you explore these questions, allow yourself to feel whatever arises. This might include sadness, anger, fear, or shame. Remember that these emotions are not your enemies—they are simply parts of you that need love and healing. By embracing them with compassion, you begin to integrate these parts of yourself, reducing the need to project them onto others.
3. Say “Oops” and hold yourself to account when you’re tempted to shift the blame elsewhere.
One of the most powerful ways to break the cycle of projection is to practice saying “Oops” or “My bad” when you’ve done something wrong. This is not easy to do, since projection is so often unconscious, but if you get any insight into your tendency to project onto someone else, you can speak on behalf of a projecting part as soon as you’re aware you’re doing it and then repair right afterwards if you can’t catch yourself soon enough. As soon as you notice yourself trying to shirk accountability, just remember that it’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to say “Oops.” That doesn’t mean someone else might not have feelings about your oops. You might have to sit in the stew of someone else’s emotions about what you’ve done. But if you’re with someone reasonable, you should be allowed to screw up sometimes- without being the end of the relationship.
This isn’t to minimize severe betrayals or suggest that a simple “Oops” is enough to let you off the hook if you’ve made a big mistake. But it can help turn things around if you can make light of your tendency to screw up- and try to own up to your mistakes, rather than pinning the blame on someone else.
4. Own your own emotions.
Owning your emotions means recognizing that your feelings are yours—and you’re entitled to your feelings. But just because you’re having a feeling doesn’t mean someone else is. While your partner’s actions may trigger certain emotions, the root of those emotions often lies within you. This is where radical responsibility comes in: the willingness to take full ownership of your emotional experience.
When you feel triggered, take a moment to reflect on the emotion. Where is it coming from? What past experiences or beliefs might be influencing your reaction? By taking ownership of your emotions, you empower yourself to heal the underlying issues, rather than projecting them onto your partner.
This doesn’t mean ignoring or dismissing your partner’s behavior if it’s genuinely harmful. Rather, it’s about recognizing the interplay between your inner world and your external experiences. By taking responsibility for your emotions, you can approach conflicts from a place of clarity and empowerment, rather than from a reactive, projected state.
5. Find a couple’s therapist that will help you heal the need to hide your flaws or project them onto others.
A good therapist will gently try to hold someone to account when they’re blaming someone else for how they’re feeling or what they’re doing. This might not happen if someone goes to one-on-one therapy alone. It’s more likely that the tendency to project onto a partner will get picked up in couple’s therapy, when a good couple’s therapist can support the person getting projected onto and gently try to help the projector feel safe enough to allow for flaws, own their projections, and change behavior when necessary for healthy relationships.
Healing from the tendency to project often means healing the traumas that made someone unwilling to admit mistakes or incapable of being perceived as imperfect. When it’s not safe to screw up, when you’re not allowed to just be a normal kid or a perfectly imperfect human, it’s natural that we’d develop defense mechanisms to survive a rough childhood or the tendency to attract people who don’t give us any leeway. But to be ready for a healthy relationships, we have to stop projecting our feelings or behaviors onto others and start owning them ourselves.
Projection Is Common If You Partner With Someone With A Severe Trauma History
If you’ve been on the other side of a lot of confusing projections, it’s possible you might be partnered with someone with severe attachment wounding, which happens when someone has had a rough trauma history in childhood. It can be helpful to understand the trauma symptoms common with severe attachment wounding- not only to know how to protect yourself, but to make sense of the sometimes bizarre and befuddling experiences you might endure as the partner of someone wounded in this way.
Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger and I will be teaching an online Zoom workshop Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationship, to help support those partnered with people with severe attachment wounding and a painful trauma history. We’ll be discussing projection, displacement, and other common defense strategies employed by folks with this kind of wounding- as well as discussing how to take care of yourself without burning out.
Learn more and register for Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationship here.
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