Dear We Are Teachers,
I’m in my third year of teaching 3rd grade. I have a big family spread out across the city, and I love them dearly. But it’s really hard to keep up—especially around the holidays. I really need to rest this Thanksgiving break, but the email chains started weeks ago with family plans for four days in a row that week! I wish it was a “come to what you can” type thing, but my family definitely notices and places a huge value on who shows up and who doesn’t. How can I make my family understand I need some serious rest?
—Enmeshed in Michigan
Dear E.I.M.,
I’m exhausted just reading that! Sounds like you could use some boundaries to create healthy limits for yourself.
One idea I end up recommending again and again is Christina Torres Cawdery’s “boundary equation,” or, in other words, how to set boundaries without feeling mean. Here’s the equation: Appreciation/validation + a clear statement of my needs = healthy boundary.
Pick a couple of “big ticket” family gatherings to go to this week, then use the equation to set healthy boundaries for the rest of your time. This might sound like:
“This sounds so fun! I need to spend a few days this week resting and recovering from the school year, so I won’t be able to make it. I can’t wait to see you at Thanksgiving dinner and catch up.”
“Oh, I love that you’re organizing this! I can’t make it this time, but I can’t wait to see all of you later in the week at Nana’s birthday.”
I know you feel pressure to go to everything, but your family needs to accept your very real need to take care of yourself (or start bracing themselves for a soulless, cranky zombie to show up to family functions).
Dear We Are Teachers,
I’m dealing with a health issue that requires me to be out at appointments or recovering way more days than I am used to. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my diagnosis with anyone yet—my administration or my coworkers. What’s really eating at me is the guilt I feel being out so much. I worry that the people I work with, students, and parents will think I’m lazy or taking off work for silly reasons. When I’m out, I check my email compulsively and worry so much about my sub that I almost make myself sick. I know this is a very specific dilemma, but do you have any words of wisdom?
—Sick of Making Myself Sick (About Being Out Sick)
Dear S.O.M.M.S.A.B.O.S.,
Yes, I have two pieces of wisdom.
The first is this: Strongly consider telling at least your administration. I really think this would curb a lot of the guilt you’re feeling, because even if you still have lingering concerns about your coworkers or students, you can at least know that any speculation (real or hypothetical) will end with your administration. They can also help field concerns from people you’re not ready to tell. If it’s easier, you can always email instead of telling them in person.
My other piece of advice is this. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone else who shared this with you. If a fellow teacher came to you and said they needed to be out an extended amount of time for health reasons, what would you tell them?
“Yeesh, try not too be out too much, though. School is more important than health.”? No.
“Wow, you’re really going to leave us hanging like that? Again?” Of course not.
You’d say something like, “Please, do whatever you need to take care of yourself,” or “School can wait! Your health can’t,” or “We’ve got this. You worry about you.” That’s the way you ought to be talking to yourself right now. The next time you catch yourself in a shame spiral, comfort yourself out loud. You might feel a little bonkers, but it’ll drown out the very unhelpful voice in your head.
Dear We Are Teachers,
I’m a para in a classroom where one of the students has a service dog. I am all for this student having what she needs. Unfortunately, I am highly allergic to this dog and start sneezing the second I enter the room. For hours afterward, I have sinus drainage and a headache, and a few times this semester, I’ve developed a sinus infection. I’ve asked my principal if I can move classrooms, but he said this teacher needs my help that period. I can’t keep this up another semester! Help!
—Sneezing in Snohomish
Dear S.I.S.,
Bless you.
Yes, we need to make sure your student has what she needs. But that doesn’t have to be at the expense of what you need. Exposure to allergens that cause you to react that way can’t be good day after day.
First, try talking to your principal one more time, making sure he understands the stress this is putting on your body. Offer alternatives: You could support this teacher a different class period, support the school in a different way during that time, swap your conference period with that class, etc.
If he still says no, try having your GP (or, ideally, an allergist) write you a doctor’s note about how repeated exposure to a known allergen is, in fact, bad. And if that fails, talk to your school’s union rep. In this house, we don’t play with our sinuses.
Do you have a burning question? Email us at askweareteachers@weareteachers.com.
Dear We Are Teachers,
I have a stutter that is mostly controlled, but gets worse if I’m nervous or stressed. I’m in my first year of teaching, so obviously stress activates it quite often. My principal called me in to say that parents have complained that students have trouble understanding me because of it, and that I need to “work on” it. I was too scared to argue back, but my principal needs to know that I can’t really work on it. How do I approach this conversation with him without seeming combative?
—Why Don’t You Work On Your Baldness?
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