If I were to ask you to picture a couple in therapy together, what comes to mind? Probably a pair that feels stuck, navigating fights, processing infidelity, having seemingly irreconcilable differences, and perhaps on the brink of divorce. Couples therapy is undoubtedly valuable in those cases, but let’s be honest, we rarely imagine a couple in a neutral (or even good) phase of their relationship actively seeking therapy for the bumps they see down the road. I’d like to challenge you to start seeing those people as participating in couples therapy, too.
Any change, regardless of how good or bad it is, is difficult. On top of that, people evolve over time in their relationships, as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes the communication strategies that worked for you five years ago aren’t as effective. That doesn’t mean you are doomed as a couple; it just means you are changing. And therapy is a great place to explore what is under those changes, and how to move forward from them.
If you are still not convinced, let me tell you a little bit about my experience. I’ve seen relationships in a wide range of stages. Some couples go to therapy and work out their issues, coming out stronger. There are times, however, when the couple has come in too late, when too much damage has been done, and our work is more about ending the relationship. I like to think about couples therapy like going to the dentist for regular cleanings. The more preventative maintenance you do, the less pain you will feel down the road.
Why happy couples seek proactive therapy
I still remember the first proactive couple I worked with as the difference was very tangible. The tension was not nearly as strong because it hadn’t had time to build up and fester yet. Walls came down with a little more ease. An understanding of their partner’s hurt was welcomed into the room and explored with less defensiveness.
Don’t get me wrong; this couple still argued and did not come in with smiles and giggles every time. All couples fight! What I want to emphasize is that there are fewer little things to sift through that have built over time to find the golden nugget: why communication is breaking down and tensions are rising.
This golden nugget can live and hide in many different issues. In therapy, you can dive into the issues that don’t quite feel like dealbreakers but are starting to cause tension or frustration. For example, maybe you are struggling to find a balance between parenting together but still dating each other. Or maybe you are struggling to set and keep boundaries with your family or your in-laws (this tends to come up a lot around holidays or important events). You might find that each of your expectations and goals in your relationship has shifted. The issue could even be that you are having a hard time bringing up feelings about your relationship because you are afraid of how your partner might react or how it will affect the relationship.
So, if you are reading this and wondering if you and your partner should go to therapy, I’ll leave you with these questions to reflect on and talk to your partner about:
- Have I noticed a change in the way we have been communicating lately?
- Has there been or will there be a major life change in either or both of our lives? This could be welcoming a new family member, switching careers or jobs, loss, or grief, and so on.
- Is there a specific area in which my partner and I are struggling?
- Do I feel like we are both satisfied and happy in our relationship?
- Is there anything I want to tell my partner but don’t know how to, or am I nervous about their reaction?
- Is there something I am nervous about in our future?
- What would be the harm in going to couples therapy with my partner?
Author: Andrea Chavez, LMFT Associate
Photo by Timo Stern on Unsplash
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