5 Tips For Breaking The Overfunctioning/Underfunctioning Cycle In Relationships

In my last blog- Do You Overfunction Or Underfunction In Relationships – I outlined a common relationship dynamic that can cause distress in relationships in the long run. Overfunctioners often take on responsibilities that are not theirs to take on, or they try to control things that seem out of control, as a way of being helpful, but also as a way to alleviate the anxiety they feel when someone else isn’t performing optimally. Underfunctioners may grow so accustomed to an overfunctioner handling all the tedious, difficult, or complex responsibilities that they just stop even trying to carry their fair share of the weight in a relationship. 

My partner Jeffrey Rediger and I will be discussing some of the overfunctioning/ underfunctioning dynamic in our upcoming Zoom weekend workshop Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationships, so feel free to check out our upcoming course and tune into whether this relationship course, which is primarily for the more overfunctioning person in a relationship, might support you and your growth.

Learn more and register here.

What does overfunctioning look like in action?

• Taking great care to anticipate everyone’s needs ahead of time so nobody winds up with unmet needs (except you)
• Micromanaging your partner’s schedule because otherwise, they forget important things
• Always being in charge of social planning, like picking the restaurant or planning the vacations
• Getting bossy and controlling about your partner’s diet, exercise, alcohol intake, or work goals
• Always raising your hand at work or the PTA meeting when a challenging task needs to get delegated
• Offering unsolicited advice
• Pestering people who don’t take the unsolicited advice you’ve already given them
• Incessantly nagging someone to make sure they do something they’ve said they would do
• Taking over someone else’s task because they’re expressing frustration or not doing a good job at the task
• Speaking about someone as if they’re not there and capable of speaking for themselves
• Buying someone a self-help book to help with something they didn’t ask for help with
• Backseat driving
• Automatically paying the bill for everyone so nobody gets anxious
• Hosting all of the family holidays yourself, without much help
• Bending over backwards and exhausting yourself to complete tasks for others that are not 100% your responsibility
• Engaging in workaholic behavior because your partner is demanding more luxuries, but not willing to work themselves
• Doing all the cooking, cleaning, child care, social planning, and wage-earning while a partner does very little

While overfunctioning might initially be appreciated by the underfunctioner, over time, the overfunctioner understandably gets burned out, and the underfunctioner gets sick and tired of being micromanaged, nagged, pestered, and controlled. 

What does underfunctioning look like?

• Waiting for someone else to take the initiative and tell you very specifically exactly what to do, rather than figuring out what needs doing and just doing it yourself
• Being fearful and avoidant of leadership roles or anything that puts pressure on you to perform at a high level or deliver on a deadline
• Deferring decisions because you’re waiting for “the boss” (aka your partner)
• Struggling to keep to a schedule, get up on time, remember your appointments, follow through on tasks you’ve agreed to complete
• Failing to think ahead about upcoming needs and tasks and relying on someone else to anticipate your needs or micromanage you
• Difficulty focusing and following through on things you say you’re going to do
• Agreeing to accommodate someone who makes a request of you, following by rebellion, apathy, forgetfulness, or failure to keep the agreement
• Defensiveness when held to account for tasks not completed
• Expecting someone else to provide for you financially without carrying your share of the weight in other tasks (or without their consent to provide unilaterally)
• Feeling put upon to do the invisible labor of things like emotional support, social planning, household chores, and the tedious tasks of adulting
• Routinely worrying about making a definitive decision about a task that needs to be done and waiting for someone else to make the final call, even for small things, like choosing a restaurant or which brand of mustard to buy
• Distrusting yourself and assuming that someone else will do a better job at completing a task, justifying why you leave it to them
• Automatically expecting someone else to do the hard, difficult, complex, or confusing tasks
• Getting overwhelmed, scared, angry, frustrated, or confused when your partner is nagging or criticizing you for not carrying your fair share of the burdens of adult responsibility
• Initial enthusiasm for a new venture which peters out when it’s time to actually deliver or perform

How can you break out of the cycle if it’s firmly in place? Here are a few tips to support a more balanced relationship.

Tip 1: Acknowledge the Pattern and Its Impact

The first step in breaking the overfunctioning/underfunctioning cycle is to acknowledge that it exists, which can be uncomfortable for both, but especially for the underfunctioner. Both partners must be willing to reflect on their behaviors and recognize how they contribute to the dynamic. This requires honest self-assessment and a willingness to see the relationship from a different perspective. Defensiveness or blaming is not helpful, but admitting that there’s an overfunctioning/ underfunctioning dynamic at play is a good start.

Self-Reflection for Overfunctioners:

• Are you taking on more responsibilities than necessary?
• Do you feel anxious or distrusting when your partner handles tasks or makes decisions?
• Are you afraid of what might happen if you let go of control?
• Do you often feel exhausted, overwhelmed, unappreciated, or resentful?
• Does it stress you out to see your partner trying to accomplish a task- and struggling at it? Do you have a tendency to jump in and rescue so your partner to avoid your partner’s frustration or anxiety?

Self-Reflection for Underfunctioners:

• Do you frequently rely on your partner to handle difficult, confusing, or complicated tasks?
• Do you defer too much to your partner when making decisions, such that your partner gets decision fatigue?
• Do you feel inadequate or incapable of managing certain aspects of the relationship?
• Are you afraid of failure or judgment if you take on more responsibility and fail to get it quite right?
• Do you often feel dependent on your partner for emotional or practical support?

Once both partners have acknowledged the pattern, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation about how this dynamic affects the relationship. Discuss the feelings of burden, resentment, inadequacy, or dependency that may arise from this cycle. Understanding each other’s perspectives is key to moving forward.

Tip 2: Open Lines of Communication

Talk openly about how each partner perceives their role in the relationship. Address any feelings of resentment or frustration, and remember that resentment is almost always a result of overstepping your own boundaries.

For Overfunctioners:

• Express Your Feelings: Share your feelings of overwhelm, burnout, or resentment with your partner. Let them know how taking on too much responsibility is affecting you.
• Ask for Support: Communicate your need for more support and partnership in the relationship. Be specific about the areas where you would like your partner to take on more responsibility, and delegate clearly, and without equivocation or collapse if your partner expresses hesitancy or resistance.
• Be willing to Receive Support: Give your partner a chance to show up for you! Set them up for success. Be as specific as possible, and be willing to receive help and really take it in, if your partner does start showing up for you more.
• Set Boundaries: Clearly articulate your boundaries and the areas where you need to step back. This might involve saying “no” to certain tasks or asking your partner to take the lead in specific situations. If they don’t, you might need a bit of a tough love strategy. Many of the gifts and favors you do for your partner are just that- gifts and favors, not mandatory expectations. Just as you can give a gift, you’re entitled to stop giving someone that privilege, if you wish. The underfunctioner might protest- and that’s okay. It’s painful to have privileges withheld, but grown ups can handle disappointment.

 

For Underfunctioners:

• Acknowledge Your Fears: Be vulnerable and share your fears of failure, inadequacy, or judgment with your partner. Let them know how these fears have contributed to your underfunctioning. Be honest about how it feels when you get criticized or pestered by the overfunctioner when they get burned out.
• Express Your Desire for Growth: If it’s honest to say so, communicate your desire to take on more responsibility and grow within the relationship, so you feel confident and competent to take on more adult responsibilities. Be honest about the areas where you feel capable of contributing more and where you might need to learn skills you don’t actually have, like cooking, parenting, wage-earning, housekeeping, financial management, planning social activities, vacation planning, or providing emotional support for your partner and/or the family.
• Ask for Patience and Support: Request patience and understanding from your partner as you work on stepping up and taking on more responsibilities. But be patient with your overfunctioner too. Understand that the overfunctioner might not have protested having all that responsibility for quite some time, and because of their own desire to avoid conflict and fear of upsetting you or putting undue pressure on you, they might be very burned out, feeling angry, resentful, and unappreciated for all their hard, unbalanced labor.

Tip 3: Establish Healthy Boundaries and Expectations

Both partners need to define their roles in the relationship and agree on a more balanced distribution of responsibilities. Overfunctioners should practice setting boundaries around how much they take on, saying no more often, and refusing to take on the responsibilities their partner might defer to them automatically. Underfunctioners should be encouraged to step up and take more responsibility, to help out more, carry more of the burdens of adulting, and step up to the plate autonomously, without nagging from their partner.

For Overfunctioners:

• Practice Letting Go: Work on letting go of control in areas where your partner can handle things. This might involve delegating tasks and daring to trust your partner’s decisions.  Allow them to make mistakes if they’re trying out new skills or developing new areas of competence. Let them take the lead in certain situations, and contain yourself if you’re tempted to just take over because they look like they’re struggling. They won’t learn to function more competently if you keep jumping in and rescuing them whenever they express distress or frustration.
• Focus on Self-Care: Do the YOU-Turn and prioritize your own needs and well-being. You’ve taken care of your underfunctioner for far too long, and it’s your turn to take exquisitely good care of yourself now. Make time for activities that recharge you and bring you joy. Make plans with other people who like caregiving you or at least having a more reciprocal relationship. Remember that taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others- and you deserve a break today!
• Respect Your Partner’s Growth: Give your partner the space to grow and develop their own skills. Avoid stepping in or taking over when they are trying to manage a task or responsibility. It’s okay if they mess up, as long as it’s not a huge mistake that impacts you both. Try not to be critical if they’re attempting to take on more responsibilities and not always getting it right.

For Underfunctioners:

• Take Initiative: Start taking the lead in areas where you feel confident enough. This could involve managing household chores, cooking, helping out with bill paying, planning activities, making decisions that impact the relationship, or getting a job so you can contribute financially.
• Build Your Confidence: Work on building your self-confidence by challenging yourself to take on new responsibilities, even if it feels challenging and stressful to try to acquire competence in areas someone else might have been handling for you. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and use them as motivation to keep growing. Becoming more self-reliant and less dependent will feel good in the long run and help your partner develop more respect for you as an equally contributing partner.
• Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries: Acknowledge and respect the boundaries your partner sets- without protesting. Understand that their need for less caregiving, more space, and greater equality of support is not a rejection of you but a way to create a healthier balance in the relationship. 

Establishing boundaries and expectations may require some trial and error as you both adjust to new roles. The overfunctioner may struggle to even know what they need or which boundaries they’re entitled to put in place, so it can be a process. The underfunctioner may not be used to having boundaries in place or being expected to contribute more, so it’s an adjustment to learning healthier ways of relating. Be patient with each other and remain committed to finding a balance that works for both of you.

Tip 4: Encourage Mutual Responsibility, Shared Burdens, and A More Equitable Partnership

Breaking the overfunctioning/underfunctioning cycle requires both partners to take equal responsibility for the relationship. This means sharing tasks, making decisions together, and supporting each other’s growth. 

Shared Responsibilities:

• Divide Household Chores: Create a fair distribution of household tasks that both partners agree upon. This could involve rotating chores or assigning tasks based on each partner’s strengths and preferences.
• Joint Decision-Making: Make important decisions together, whether they involve finances, family planning, vacations, home or car purchases, or future goals. Both partners should have an equal say in the decision-making process.
• Emotional Support: Provide mutual emotional support by being there for each other during difficult times. Encourage open communication about feelings, concerns, and needs. Both partners should do an equal share of the listening and talking, taking turns being centered and receiving emotional support.

Supporting Each Other’s Growth:

• Celebrate Successes: Acknowledge and celebrate each other’s successes, no matter how small. This can be hard because the overfunctioner’s successes mean saying no more, putting stronger boundaries in place, delegating more, holding their own boundaries, and potentially disappointing the underfunctioner. But remember, in the long run, equality in the relationship benefits you both. Positive reinforcement for boundary setting, delegating tasks, and asking for what you need for the overfunctioner- and showing up more generously to help share the responsibilities and burdens of life for the underfunctioner- can boost confidence and encourage continued growth.
• Encourage Independence: Support your partner’s efforts to become more independent and capable. Celebrate becoming less enmeshed and more separate. This might involve encouraging them to pursue hobbies, take on new challenges, make new friends, develop new skills, or go back to school.

Tip 5: Seek Professional Help if Needed

A licensed couples therapist can help both partners explore the underlying issues that contribute to the overfunctioning/underfunctioning cycle. Therapy provides a safe space to discuss your concerns, identify patterns, and develop strategies for creating a more balanced relationship. The overfunctioning/ underfunctioning pattern often stems from different kinds of developmental trauma in early childhood. The overfunctioner was often the oldest child, who had to become a responsible adult much too soon. So the trauma of not having been adequately cared for and having to take on too much responsibility prematurely needs to be treated. The underfunctioner might have overfunctioned and gotten burned out. Or they might have a pattern of always being the underfunctioner in relationships. If so, this also stems from developmental trauma, often from parents who didn’t let the child individuate and take on appropriate responsibilities at the right time. Other traumas can also lead to this dynamic. A therapist can help you work through these issues and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Seeking professional help is not a sign of failure but a proactive step toward creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationships

If this dynamic sounds familiar, you may resonate with the topic of an upcoming Zoom weekend workshop I’m co-teaching with my psychiatrist partner Jeffrey Rediger, MD, MDiv. We’re offering a program to support the more securely attached and often burned out overfunctioners who partner with people with severe attachment wounding, which can sometimes, but not always, result in underfunctioning. Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationships is intended to help educate and offer guidance for those trying to walk the razor’s edge of supporting someone with a severe trauma history, which can be very difficult, while still making sure you get your own needs met adequately.

If you or someone you know might benefit from this particular kind of support, please pass on the invitation.

Learn more and register here.