10 Signs That Someone You Love Has Severe Attachment Wounding

If you’re trying to love someone with a significant trauma history, you’ve probably noticed that it’s not always easy on you- the relatively safe attachment figure. It’s nobody’s fault. Trauma begets trauma, and all trauma deserves our compassion. But it is helpful to understand why people with significant attachment trauma in early life sometimes behave in unpredictable ways when you’re trying to get close to them- and they may be doing everything within their power to test you and push you away.

Attachment trauma that results in avoidant or especially disorganized attachment typically results from severe relational trauma in childhood, when caregivers were either neglectful or even violent. Especially if caregivers actively induced fear in the child, rather than being a source of co-regulation and comfort, attachment wounding is all but unavoidable. Disorganized attachment stems from a fearful avoidant attachment bond that was created in childhood, when the child fears the caregivers because of violence, sexual abuse, neglect, and terrifying behaviors on the part of the caregivers. Avoidant attachment is less severe, but still creates real challenges in relationships.

Typically, people who grow up to demonstrate the behaviors of attachment wounding had inadequate or absent safety and connection growing up. With nobody to comfort them when they were terrified, and nobody to help them get core developmental needs met, they grow up with chronic nervous system dysregulation and serious trust issues. They often wind up fearful about trusting others who are safe, but they may paradoxically trust dangerous people, further reinforcing the terror of intimacy.

Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger and I will be teaching an upcoming weekend Zoom workshop specifically for those who are partnered or trying to be close with adults with severe attachment wounds- Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship.

Save $100 if you register before September 1.

How can you tell if someone you love has severe attachment wounding? There are a number of ways in which attachment wounding in relationships can play out:

10. They Trust Untrustworthy People & Distrust Trustworthy Folks
    Because their autonomic nervous systems did not develop properly, their safety and danger radar may wind up backwards. As such, they can be very gullible, naive and trusting with highly abusive individuals and very distrusting with people who are reasonably safe, loving, caring, gentle, and available for intimacy. Especially if you’re the first safe person someone with attachment wounding has tried to love, you’re likely to get the worst of their distrust. Expect to be tested in ways that feel supremely unfair. But remember, it’s not their fault. 
11. Difficulty Knowing Or Asking For What They Need
    As little ones, these folks had their needs intentionally rejected and neglected. So they learn to shut down having much awareness of even their most basic needs. If they do become aware, they’re terrified of asking you to help them get their needs met, since fear of rejection is so strong.
12. “Come Hither, Go Away”
    Those with attachment wounding still want closeness, even if it terrifies them. They may crave connection or jump from one relationship to the next, but they might run as soon as you lean in. As soon as you start opening your heart and making yourself available for intimacy, as soon as they start attaching, they may start pulling out all the stops to push you away. It can feel very confusing to you, if you’re the one who’s actually available for real connection, healthy intimacy, and more secure attachment.
13. Stoicism & Emotional Invulnerability
    Especially with male-identifying people with attachment wounding, the cultural conditioning that shames men for being emotional or vulnerable plays into their excessive fear of vulnerability and intimacy. They often pride themselves in being an immovable rock, able to stand steady when the waves of emotion fly around them, while remaining untouched themselves. It can feel shocking for them to realize that it’s unhealthy to repress emotion and much healthier to be vulnerable with their partners, friends, and family. They tend to find it very scary to open up, no matter how kind, trustworthy, and gentle you’re being. 
14. History Of Choosing Unsuitable Partners
    People with more severe attachment wounding may have a history of picking abusive partners who won’t challenge their need to avoid intimacy. Before you, they may have partnered with abusive, exploitative, betraying, transactional, or even criminally abusive partners- since, especially with disorganized attachment, they tend to recreate the dangerous relationships of their childhood. The more abusive partners they’ve had, the most their fears of intimacy become hardened and strengthened. By choosing unsuitable partners, they confirm their belief that nobody out there can ever be trusted. This makes it very hard on you. 
15. Bizarre Acting Out Behaviors
    If they inadvertently wind up with someone who is capable of intimacy and wants to be close to them, they may pull out all the stops to push you away. Their fear of intimacy often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because they behave so intolerably if someone tries to get close, they may behave in ways that cause their partners to leave, thus confirming their belief that nobody can be trusted and everyone will ultimately reject them. Because they don’t trust others, they can also be untrustworthy if intimacy is threatened. Even those who consider themselves of high integrity might be surprised to realize they’re lying, breaking promises, cheating, and otherwise throwing “decoys” in a misguided attempt to push you away.
16. Challenged With Regulating Strong Emotions
    Normally, kids get help from their “good enough” parents learning to self-regulate when they get angry, scared, sad, jealous, or disappointed. But if nobody has taught your partner how to handle the kinds of strong emotions that can arise in the presence of genuine intimacy, it can feel overwhelming to you both.
17. Heightened Fear of Abandonment
    While people with severe attachment wounding may fear connection, but they also fear being alone, fear abandonment, and can be clingy if the stability of the relationship is threatened. Because they cannot tolerate intimacy, they may become easily jealous if you exhibit affectionate or emotionally intimate behaviors with anyone else, even friends or your children. Seeing you be affectionate with anyone else may trigger strong fear of abandonment.
18. Power Imbalance
    Those with attachment wounding may want you to be vulnerable- so they can feel in control- but they might struggle to share mutuality in vulnerability, which tends to put them in the “one up” power role. That power makes them feel safer, but if you challenge the power imbalance because you want more reciprocity and emotional intimacy, they will tend to resist sharing power.
19. Difficulty With Boundaries
    If your boundaries are shattered in childhood, it can be very challenging to protect your own boundaries- or to avoid crossing the boundaries of others. Because those with severe attachment wounding may also be conflict avoidant.People with severe attachment wounding might feel bad about how much they struggle to trust others, to be vulnerable, to open up, and to discern safety from danger. But remember, it’s nobody’s fault if they did not get their attachment needs met in childhood.

    The good news is that, with professional help, a desire to heal, and a lot of patience from those involved, it’s possible to earn “secure attachment.” We can heal our past attachment wounding by attaching to someone kind and loving, someone who isn’t exploiting them or abusing you, someone who can actually be trusted to be safe enough. This is not an easy process, but it is possible.

    This will be the focus of Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationships, a supportive weekend Zoom workshop for those who are committed to being the “safe object” for someone in the process of earning secure attachment.

Learn more and register here. 

Everyone deserves to be loved by someone safe enough and trustworthy enough, even those who have been severely hurt in childhood. Trying to get close to someone with severe attachment wounding is a challenging journey, and it’s not for everyone. Just like someone who decides to climb Mount Everest might approach the challenge with both trepidation and enthusiasm, knowing the risks involved, those who are trying to help each other heal from past attachment wounding may have a very particular kind of hard road ahead, but it can be a very rewarding journey as well.

If you do take on that role of being someone’s “safe object,” you’ll have some tough obstacles to overcome, but you’ll also enjoy the benefits of someone’s gratitude for paving the way towards an attachment they can trust. Once you’ve got trust and earned secure attachment, the rest gets much easier.